The Toughest Skill, Part 2

This is part two of the “toughest skill”. Last month, in part one, I shared about how in my experience as a licensed mental health provider, many people find it difficult to start talking to someone who they are concerned about regarding life challenges or mental health. Read that blog as part of our June Newsletter.

The second part of the toughest skill can be summarized as “you do not have to “fix” or “solve” their challenges”.  In other words, if someone is sharing with you about life or mental health challenges, if you can actively listen and work to truly hear them instead of “fix” the issue, you will likely help that person a lot more.

The skill is on my “toughest skill” list because as people, especially as helpers/healers, most of us have a drive to relieve people of their pain. However, when people are struggling psychologically, true support rarely comes in the form of a solution.

To demonstrate this, humor me please, take 30 seconds and close your eyes. Imagine a time in your life when someone who loves you supported you in a time of difficulty. A time that despite adversity, you felt they cared. What did they “do” to support you and help you feel validated?

Most of you probably recalled a time when someone was truly present with you, listened to hear you, or maybe just sat with you. It was likely not a time someone lectured you on how to solve this obstacle in your life.

Let us explore both how “not” and how “to” develop and execute this skill:

What NOT to do:

1. Simple solutions: Most people who are experiencing challenges (especially if they are pervasive and complex such as major depression or grief), do not need to hear “things will get better”, or “let’s stay positive”, or “you just need to get out more”. Many share these knee jerk solutions because of our desire to immediately help or relieve people of their pain. However, these statements/suggestions are often invalidating and unsupportive.

2.  Share your own experience: This is double edged sword. If you experienced the same or something similar to the person having difficulty (divorce, grief, psychological diagnosis etc.) sharing your experience might be supportive if done tactfully. However, I have more frequently seen someone offer their own experience with adversity as a solution for the other person to cut and paste into their own lives. “When X happened to me, I did A, B, C and it really helped”. Many people who are in the thick of a struggle cannot process these solutions. Further, there is zero guarantee that what helped you, will help them and certainly not on the same timetable. Instead, it can be supportive to share with someone that you have experienced X too, and that it was also hard for you. This validates their challenge. If the person asks for how you go through it, you might share while also acknowledging their path might be different.

3. Think the person doesn’t want help or is lazy: Frequently when we try to help someone through adversity and it does not “work” or the person does not take our “advice”, we can get frustrated and create a narrative that they don’t want help. We might start to believe the person is unmotivated or lazy. When people experience significant adversity in their lives, it can take time (days, months, years) for things to improve. Refrain from telling yourself this unhealthy narrative.

What to do:

1. Listen actively: Listening actively means paying attention to the person (not on your cell phone at the same time), making eye contact, intermittently nodding your head and saying things like, “I hear you”, or “I am listening, tell me more if you want”. It also looks like just sitting there with the person, sometimes in silence. It shows you are “there”.

2. Listen Non-judgmentally: Refraining from making assumptions about the person’s situation, showing curiosity and asking genuine questions are great ways to listen non-judgmentally.  It is easy to make quick judgments in our head about the person’s challenge. Simple statements such as “tell me more about that” or “I would really like to understand more what is going” are great ways to express curiosity.

3. Helpful statements to further listen actively and non-judgmentally:

   • I want to try to understand, I am listening.

   • I cannot imagine what it is like to face what you are facing, but I want to hear you

   • It can be hard to talk about, I can just sit with you if that is okay?

   • I have actually gone through something similar, it can be very hard.

   • What might be most helpful for you? I can ask questions or we can just hang out?

     
     

In summary, I cannot emphasize how far possessing the mindset of “I am here to listen to this person, not fix their challenges” can get you in helping that person. When we use the skill outlined above, people usually feel supported. When people feel supported, they trust more and will often share more in the future or elicit your advice when the time comes. Further, when people can process with you, they often start to gain hope they can take steps to help their situation.

Perhaps said most succinctly, the skill of supporting others often comes in the form of restraint. Truly being there often requires resisting the urge to fix.