The Toughest Skill, Part 1

How can a singular difficult skill have two parts? I realized, in my experience, there are actually two “toughest” skills when it comes to talking with someone you are concerned with regarding their wellbeing/mental health. The first “toughest skill” is approaching the subject or bringing up your concern with the person.

Sometimes we are worried about a colleague or loved one. They have not been acting the same. Maybe you know they are going through something difficult, or they have experienced mental health challenges in the past. Perhaps something just seems, “off”.

I have had the privilege of training many non-mental health professionals in a curriculum called Mental Health First Aid. One of skills the curriculum teaches participants is “how” to talk with someone you are concerned about regarding their well-being/mental health. I have found that many non-mental professionals understandably possess anxiety about “bringing it up”. How do we express to someone we are concerned without it being awkward, or even conflictual? Below I offer some guidance to help you express to someone you care about that you are concerned.

1. It takes courage to share with someone you are concerned and offer support. Please know that even mental health professionals stumble on words and avoid conversations sometimes. Try to accept that we don’t know how the person will respond. They may feel relieved you asked and it may go smoothly. It may also get somewhat awkward or they may deny the issue. All are possibilities.

2. Think about timing and environment. Do your best to bring this up when you have enough time to talk with the person if they want to talk. Also, try to be in a comfortable environment where you may not be interrupted so easily. Trying to do this quickly in between appointments or where colleagues might be interrupting easily can create obstacles.

3.  Be genuine and non-judgmental. Even if you are stumbling on words or nervous sweating, if you approach the conversation from a place of genuine care, the other person can usually feel this. Also, attempt to be curious and non-judgmental. We likely don’t know the “whole story” and assuming we do might trip us up.

4.  An example of bringing up a concern: “Jessica, I wanted to take a few minutes to touch base. I have noticed you maybe having a harder time as of late. You seem short with people who you care about and stressed. I am here, reaching out, because I care.”

5. In the example above, there are some great phrases you can use time and again. “I have noticed” is a great phrase because you are sharing what your experience is noticing that person. It is not combative. Likewise phrases like “I feel you have been more distant lately” are great because you are stating “I feel X way”, which is your experience. Also, phrases reiterating you care or you are here to listen can be very supportive.

Remember, this was Part 1 of “The Toughest Skill”. Approaching and bringing up a concern can be anxiety provoking for many. Hopefully the ideas above make it a bit less challenging. Next month, for Part 2, we will explore more about what to do during the actual conversation. There is one critical skill that can make a world of difference, stay tuned!